Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The joys of having a deployed husband!

I'm a little heated at this moment so bare with me and remember I really really do love my husband. This is what sucks big time about him being gone besides the fact that hes not here. Some days we just have extremely shitty conversations and I just want to scream. And today was one. I haven't talked to him much because of how busy they have been over there which is fine since its a situation I cant control. But when I finally do talk to him I want to tell him everything that's going on and what I have been doing while hes gone. Now most days he really enjoys what I have to say (or at least hes really good at pretending!) but not today! The main purpose of this blog is to keep track of all the things Ive been doing and feeling while hes away. So I ask him if he read it lately and he said yes. I was happy, until he started lecturing me on what I chose to blog about! And it just made my fly of the handle or whatever that saying is! Its like please for the love of you know who, do not tell me what I can and cant write about. This is what keeps me sane while hes away and I was hoping he would see that. Maybe I was wrong, I don't know. With that being said, our allotted 30 minute Skype conversation was spent arguing. And that just annoys me even more.

Now I know your probably thinking, why couldn't you just let it go. And I agree...because almost 90% of the time I do bite my tongue if E says something that rubs me the wrong way or hes in a sour mood. I try to always be supportive and make sure we have a good talk that way he knows I'm still here being strong for him. Not to mention, hes in a more stressful situation than I will ever understand so I do what I can to make sure I don't add any other stress. But after a while, it kind of piles up and I explode, which is what happened today. I feel lost and alone. And I was truly hurt by the fact that he didn't read my blog and said he did. I don't think he sees how much I look forward to writing to keep him in the loop. My blog is turning into my husband and its the one I tell everything to when I cant tell Eric.

I just love him so much and I want to tell him anything and everything that goes on in my daily life. I don't want him to feel as if hes missing out since hes gone. I have a hard time doing fun things without him because it makes me feel guilty and I'm working on that. Its also hard because he never tells me how hes feeling or whats been going on. Eric keeps to himself and doesn't want to burden anyone with his problems. He likes to show me how strong he which in his mind means showing no emotion. If he was here I could read him like a book but hes not so its that much harder to try and see how hes really doing.

I know that when Soldiers are fighting in a war, they don't have time to grieve or feel anything when something happens because they have a job to do. So they have to keep on going regardless of what may have happened 10 minutes earlier. That breaks my heart. Here I am blogging about how annoyed I am by my husband but yet they all have it so much worse. Some of these men and women haven't even been able to call their families yet so really I should be thankful I get to talk to Eric at all.

I guess sometimes we will just have our days. Life isn't perfect obviously and we will still have days where we might argue more than usual and I think its normal. Sometimes I wish there was a manual telling me what is going to happen or how I'm going to feel or what our conversations are going to be like but there's not so I just have to go with what life gives me. It continues to blow me away how hard families of the deployed have it. Thanks for listening or reading to me being selfish and needing to let out a little anger. It helps put everything in perspective when I'm acting childish and it reminds me of how lucky I am and that it could be a million times worse.

And to Eric:
I'm sorry for arguing with you. I love you so much more than you will ever know and I'm glad to be called your wife. I try to be strong for you every single day, but sometimes I'm weak and I cant do it. I miss you so much. Everything about you. They way you look when you come inside from mowing the lawn. That half smile you do every Thursday when a new manga comes out. They way you look deep into my eyes every morning on the weekend when you wake me up. I cant wait to be together again. I think about you all the time and I'm so proud. I want to include you in everything I do and that's why I post on here. It makes it seem as if you were actually here instead of a million miles away. I'm sometimes scared of loosing you and loosing us in this whole deployment and that's why I act dumb. I'm sorry for acting childish and getting angry over something so little. Please forgive me and know how much you truly mean to me. Stay safe and continue to be the strong person I know you are and remember I'm here waiting for you :) Love you always and forever


monjeman said...

Thank you and love u

jessica said...

I'm so glad you vented about this. We are all human. I'm sorry your man is so far away. My bro-in-law is Marine and did three tours in Iraq. He wasn't married at the time. I was always so glad about that. I know how I felt as is sister...I can't imagine how hard it would be to be a military wife.

You are a goo woman and I am so glad you delurked! Now I have a new blog friend! How did you find my blog? I'm so curious....

Britters said...

I'm so sorry you had a rough conversation. It sucks when it works out like that. I always come away going, "We have so little time together, why couldn't I just get over it?" but when I really think about it, it's probably for the best. Our life can't stop just because he's gone. Which means if its something I would bristle at with him by my side then there is no harm in bristling about it on the phone. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I just have to remind myself that next time won't be like that!

I hope it goes better next time!

Beth said...

I've been very touched by your writing and the comments of the other women.

I hope you'll be interested in my story and the need that I'm filling as a result:

In January, a family friend began a year's deployment in the Persian Gulf, leaving behind his two young children.

After his departure, I became aware of the many organizations that send items to our troops, but found little that deployed parents can have readily available to easily communicate with their young children.

In an effort to help my friend keep in touch with his children -a difficult
task under the best of cricumstances, I designed interactive postcards for
him to mail home. The cards are viewed as little gifts both by him and the
kids, with space for a note from him and drawings the children enjoy
connecting the dots and working out mazes.

When completed, the art is mailed back to him, sharing the children's
creativity and accomplishments and maintaining ongoing communication. He
says that the cards are especially helpful as an easy, economical way to
keep in touch with his children and give them an equally easy -and fun-- way
to send a
little of themselves to him.

Thus began the birth of the "Troops In Touch" . I have become so energized
that I've designed over 50 cards --some gender specific, others general in
nature, including military, sports, seasonal and holiday themes. The next
step of making them available to others seemed natural.

These cards perfect for young children who cannot write on their own and for
busy spouses with too much to do to supervise letter writing -- the
activities on the cards require little or no supervision.

They're especially easy for the deployed parent since he/she doesn't have to
come up with new things to say required by a letter -and when the postcard
is returned, the "artwork" provides a topic for a response.

But most importantly, unlike an e-mail or phone call, the postcard has been
touched by loved ones. Children can hold the cards, carry them around, sleep
with them under their pillows and know that they're receiving and sending
their very own mail.

Realizing how important it is for parents and children to stay in touch, I
had hoped to provide the cards at no cost but I simply cannot afford to.
Ideally, Family Readiness Groups and organizations that support military
families will order in quantities to help keep the fee modest. or will
partner with
me by underwriting costs.

Individuals may also order cards from my website for service people they
-and those sales enable me to have a small income stream so that I
can donate them when needed. Additionally, I could offer your visitors &
discounts for all purchases.

I hope you will help spread the word about this new resource.
You can see a few samples at my website at
and I'd be happy to send actual samples of the postcards to you as well as
answer any questions you may have.

Beth Allen