Wednesday, June 16, 2010

A year (almost!) in review! PART 1!

So I have been contemplating weather or not I should do a deployment review or not. I don't figure most people will make it to the end of this post but if you do, thank you and leave a comment! jk! Since I do read other blogs about deployments I found it very interesting that a lot of women have kept a kind of journal about it which I never thought to do. And I am now kicking myself for not doing it. This post if more for me and looking back on it later than for any other reason. So for that I am really sorry if its super boring, depressing and long. I have no idea what is going to flow out of my fingers but I have been thinking about doing this for a couple days now. So here goes:

My husband left for his first deployment on July 13th 2009. The 2 weeks leading up to it were probably some of the toughest weeks of my life. We spent a lot of time packing and re-packing lists of things he was going to need to make it through. It was heart breaking to watch as we would work together as a team to try and get everything together only to notice that his supplies for an entire year could fit in the trunk of a car with room to spare. We were very cautious around each other in the way that we would talk about things to make sure not to bring up anything that might perhaps make us cry.

We spent the nights up to the final day talking about the what- ifs of everything from what we plan to do with our lives when he got home to what happens if he were to die. Now I know what your thinking, we shouldn't have been talking about him possibly dying but we would later learn that it is a big reality than I ever thought possible. We also confided in each other about our deepest secrets but were also there to hold each other when we felt the need to break down. I cried a lot and I am really glad I had Eric there with me.

As much as we wanted our last weeks together to be wonderful and blissful, we also spent to much time over petty arguments that now do not have any relevance. In a way I think it was our own way of some how trying to make leaving each other easier, because lets face it if your mad at someone its much easier to say good bye. So as the day grew closer, it only got worse.

Friday July 10th 2009: The day had finally arrived and it was time to day good bye. We had to be on post by 0600 so I dont even think we went to bed that night because we would have had to leave our house around 0345 to get there on time. We headed to post and I am pretty sure I cried the entire way. My mom was nice enough to drive us there so that I wouldn't have to drive home alone and she wanted to see Eric off as well. Words can not described the mood that loomed over every soldier, their wives and their families. It was as if someone died and there were no words or anything that could have been done to make this any easier. After a lot of moving around base Eric decided it was time to say good bye before the official formation because he didn't want to cry in front of his fellow soldiers.

The last hug was the longest most painful hug and we just stood there and cried together for a good 10 minutes. My arms felt as if they were glued around him and they refused to let go even thought I told them it was time. My mom had to literally peel my body from Eric in order for him to go. I will never forget watching him walk away from me with his hat pulled down over his eyes and ever so often wiping the tears away from his eyes. My mom and I drove away and I cried and cried and felt as though someone ripped out my heart and stepped on it a billion times.

Not 10 minutes later I got a call from Eric asking us to turn around and come back because the Army had some how misplaced a plane and he wasn't sure if they were leaving that day or not. So we drove back and spent the majority of the day on post waiting around to see if he was going to leave or not. After spending most of the day awaiting around, we finally got the OK to go home for the night only to be back the next morning. This whole back and forth thing carried on all through Saturday and then to Sunday. Monday is the day he finally left and by that point I was more than ready to get this deployment started! This good-bye was much easier but still sad. We both had the strength and courage to stay with each other until the buses pulled away without crying to much. At that point I was not only proud of Eric but I was so proud to call myself and Army Wife!

The first 2 weeks of deployment were a big blur. I remember spending a lot of time alone, crying and really feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to crawl under a rock and do anything but face the world. I some how made it through that but there were many times during deployment that I had moments like these. I decided to go to California to spend some time around my family and friends.

This helped keep my mind off of being away from Eric and helped me to enjoy life again. Most of September I don't remember. I remember going line dancing with my girl friends and that was always a fun way to keep my mind off life. I seemed to be pretty lucky in the fact that I got to talk to Eric daily or at least every few days at most. Which made the adjustment period easier. I noticed that my patience for "civilian" people was at like a 0. I was sick of people complaining about being away from their loved one for only a few days. I was some how bitter at the rest of the world that they got to be with their spouse.

This attitude carried onto October and it still comes about now and then. October was a kind of depressing month. Our unit had 3 deaths in one day and thats when the reality of the war set in.I still couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and it was also my birthday month. Not just any birthday, but my 21st birthday. Eric seemed to be out on a lot of missions and I didn't hear from him much at all. I happened to be in Washington at the time of the memorial ceremonies for the 3 men that died. I decided it was only right to go and pay my respects. It was awful and I decided at that point I would never go to another one with out my husband again.

November seemed to come and go with out any real problems. Sure I had my good days as well as my bad days. By this point I had reached the 4-5 month mark and I was glad that time seemed to be on my side. When I stopped to think about things, life seemed to take forever but if I just went with it, it seemed to go much faster.